Growing Pains

Do you have faith in your choices? Do you believe your instincts? Do you pay attention to that gut feeling?

I have been heavily dependent upon reassurance of others my ENTIRE LIFE! It’s a strange balance of head strong and needy. I have, at least, realized the pattern. I learned too that I have to TRUST myself. To trust someone you have to know who they are.

There is power to knowing yourself.

Recently I posted a personal story on my blog about a narcissistic caregiver- Fam(ily). I know my instincts have been flawed. I’ve always wanted to grow past the everyday chaos and most of my life I was demonized for wanting to be better. That makes it very difficult to trust yourself. I have learned a lot about myself through writing. I learned that it can really improve my performance if I list out my accomplishments & if I make a list of what I’m grateful for. Visually seeing what I have to be happy about & proud of makes a big difference to me.

So in this phase I’m learning to embrace my decision making without needing validation from others. The best way I know for myself to achieve that confidence is writing it out.

Then I remembered I journaled about this!

So I decided for this blog to share that piece with you all.

-I’ve always been fighting for something. My whole life is one big war for what I wanted. Maybe in an act of avoidance, I have never really known what it was like to just be. Never before embraced myself and my circumstances. I always had a desire to be better, more easygoing and stable. I think most people have their own version of that.

Now I’m at a point where the war is over and it’s time to rebuild.

It’s time for pause & for process.

Because I’ve gained some ground!! & now I can look back and see the different versions of myself that battled through a childhood full off chaos and the one who carried me through being a mother before finishing high school. The one who left her husband fully prepared to raise a child who wasn’t hers biologically. The one who got lost and drank too much. The single mom who never ever gave up. The one who went to college & realized she was powerful. The one who lost her father. Because I’ve been so many versions of strong, kind, crazy, vulnerable I can trust and love myself. Look at all the things I have done for myself. For my kids. I’m truly lucky that I have come to this moment of reflection.

In this moment by myself with my coffee & my thoughts to reintroduce myself to myself.

I’m curious about who I will become next. But without a battle I guess I get to become her on purpose. That’s new for me. Though it could be argued that I purposely did everything up to this point it never felt that way. It’s always been more of an evolution in my head. Just actions, reacting without real long term vision. That’s what’s different now.

I can see that the chaos I’ve grown accustomed to was keeping me from my growth.

The feeling of change is scary. Avoiding my gut instinct is going against the way things have always been. I can’t imagine watching my children grow to accept the same dysfunction.-

Lesson in Grace - Trust yourself

I want so badly to break the cycle & provide a life where my children know they can trust themselves to accomplish anything. I wabt to show them that when you focus on your goal anything can be accomplished. I want to live in a peaceful home. I want better & there is no shame to carry with that! I am doing what needs to be done & I have come this far!

Knowing myself means I can look at my situation and trust my instincts. Knowing myself means I can be brave. Knowing myself means I can rest when I need it. I can choose who sits at my table. I can choose how my table is set.

I hope in this moment you can look at yourself and everything you have come through and survived. I hope you can be proud of what you achieved through your hardest moments. I hope you can be excited for what’s next and trust yourself to carry on and make it happen.

today, like every day, I am loving myself & my espresso machine.

xo

Taryn